Breaking Up Is Hard To Do, And Hard On Pets, Too!

“He might be cute and he might be furry, but he’s still property.”
— Trial judge in a New Jersey divorce case

With around half of all marriages ending in divorce, and half of those involving pets, what happens to the dog (or other pets) becomes a major issue when couples split. Legally speaking, animals are property, and the division of assets includes dogs. This is usually pretty easy to determine, especially if the dog was acquired before the marriage, but if the dog is legally marital property than things get trickier. Remember, dogs are not humans, but these days, many pet owners view their pet ownership as custody. This article published by the National Legal Research Group does a great job of explaining the legalities of divorce when pets are involved. Many Americans are marrying later in life now, than they were a generation before, and those that are marrying are statistically having children later in life, too. Dog ownership is on the rise, and the pet industry is booming, as companies realize dog owners want to spoil their pets. Before entering a marriage, you can even have your pet written into a prenuptial agreement. With this in mind, when break-ups happen, dogs are affected.

While I have never been married, I went through a break-up with my boyfriend of over three years a few months ago. In those three years, we really shared Milly as our dog. Yes, legally, she is my dog, but emotionally, she became our dog. We lived together, we shared the responsibilities of caring for her, and we enjoyed spending time with her and taking her on a variety of adventures from wine tasting to hiking to trips to the lake and Chesapeake Bay. As many people know, the Washington, DC area is a mixing bowl of sorts, very few people are actually originally from the area, and on the holidays many people leave the city to go stay with family out-of-state. Because of this, the city gets quite lonely, should you happen to be from here originally. On holidays when I would leave to go see my family, I almost always left Milly with my boyfriend so he would have a companion. Milly adored him, and he adored her.

While our relationship did not work out in the long term, we have decided to remain friends, and I have been very careful to make this as easy as possible on Milly. For starters, he and I lived together, but I am now staying with friends. Milly is a great traveler, and having a schedule, has made this much easier on her. You might remember my post, "How Much Do You Trust Your Dog," where I discussed things like crating and feeding on a strict routine. I am so glad now that I don't free feed, because when staying with friends as a house guest, this could really complicate situations, especially with friends with other dogs. This said, she seems confused not being at home. To help her have some familiarity in her life, I let her spend four nights with my former flame, and he and I are planning on meeting at parks over the next couple of months so he can see her.

If you end a relationship, and you can remain civil, there are things to consider when it comes to the dogs. First, don’t stay in the relationship for the dog’s sake, if it isn’t working out. Dogs can sense stress and tension, and they will know if you are unhappy in the relationship. Relationships are teamwork, and responsibilities in life tend to be shared when two people become a couple. Many times, a couple will acquire dogs that together, they can care for, but neither person could care for on their own. This happened to a friend of mine a few months ago. Together, he and his significant other were able to open their home to three pugs, two of which were rescues, and gave these dogs incredible lives. But, when they broke up, neither of them was able to care for three dogs with time and financial constraints of being single. As a result, my friend kept one dog, and his ex was forced to rehome the other two. In deciding which dog to keep, he chose the one who was least attached to the other two, and would adjust to bachelor life the best. He and his ex carefully selected a forever home, from a pug owner they had boarded with in the past. The decision was not made lightly, but they did do the best they could to provide the best possible home for their beloved dogs. Even celebrities have to decide what to do with their dog when they break-up!

Should you break up, please try to be civil with your former significant other or husband, if not for your sake, than for your pets. The transition can be difficult for dogs, but maintaining a positive outlook on life will help your pet ease into the changes. In fact, according to vets at the People’s Dispensary for Sick Animals (PDSA), dogs whose owners have split up have even been known to self harm under stress. Keep an eye out for unwanted or different behavior in your dog – things like digging, excessive barking, tail chasing, or excessive licking are all signs displayed under stress. Think about things like if your dog is suitable for an apartment, if you are moving to an apartment, perhaps the other person should keep the dog. Is your dog old, and will you be living somewhere where the dog is required to climb stairs? This may be difficult for a dog should you move.

Financial obligations of pet ownership – vet bills, toys, food, training, etc. are all expensive, and you need to make sure you are capable of providing for your pet alone. If your dog has trouble adjusting to new situations, perhaps a family member could keep your dog until you adjust to a new home life. Do you have children? If so, remember these are your kids pets, and your pets are attached to your children. Arrange visitations, or better yet, leave the dog with the parent with primary custody of the kids, if they are capable of caring for the pet. Separation anxiety in dogs occurs when there is a disruption in the life of your family dog, so please be aware of this. You may need to hire a dog walker, or start taking your dog to doggie daycare, if you are unable to provide midday walks that your partner used to be responsible for. If the dog is more attached to one partner, that is probably the partner the dog should go to, provided that person can properly care for the dog. In my case, while Milly loved my former boyfriend, she clearly views herself as my dog, and is very attached to me.

Most importantly, wherever the dog moves, make sure the vaccinations and medical records go with the dog. This will help the dog stay healthy and current on all shots. The responsibility of keeping medical needs up-to-date should lie with the person who can best do that. If you do move, make sure to update your dog’s ID tags, licensing, and microchip information. Should you move out of state, look into any dog-ownership laws you may be unfamiliar with, and remember, medical records are required legally for a dog to cross state lines.

This hasn’t been easy for Milly or I, but we’re adjusting, slowly but surely. Since I am currently not living at my house, I have put an ID tag with my parents address on her collar. This way, she still has the address for my house, I know should my boyfriend be contacted about her he would immediately call me, and she also has contact info for my parents, who would also contact me. I’ve been buying lots of fun treats and a few toys for Milly, to help keep her happy. I also brought her favorite toys with me, so she has things that are familiar to her. I know that by maintaining a friendship with my ex, and allowing him to spend time with Milly, this will be so much easier on both the dog, and us humans.

Moving with Your Dog: My "Tail" of Doing Just That

I wish I had had my camera during the moving process! When I packed a large red suitcase and turned my back for a few seconds, Milly climbed right in to make sure I didn't forget her!

I haven't been the best about posting the past few weeks, because I was busy moving! There are a lot of reasons I decided to move from Arlington, VA (two stop lights to DC) to Falls Church, VA (entirely too many stop lights to DC). I knew it was time to move from the house I've lived in for the past 3 years when a large tree fell in my yard about four months ago, and my landlord left it there for weeks, and then left my roommates and I to do the clean up. The house I was living in also had a mold problem, which the landlord denied, and I did not want to bring my puppy into a home with mold. Finally, the last reason for the move was a desire to have more space and a spacious yard for Milly - at the old house, the "fenced in yard" was more like a fenced in patio with a grassy patch.



Milly has always been great at adjusting to new locations and is an excellent traveler, but she gets very anxious at the idea of moving. If she so much as sees me packing my Vera Bradley duffel bag she instantly becomes velcroed to my side. With this in mind, I took some precautions to make the move as easy and as stress free as possible on her.

Moving is always chaotic, and my move was no exception, because I have entirely too much stuff. Since Milly gets stressed just when I pack a suitcase, I worried packing an entire house would really take her over the edge. She notices even the smallest changes around the house, as many dogs do. My solution to this was to start packing early and pack slowly overtime, long before the big changes like furniture moving would take place. I started packing boxes about 6 weeks before the move, and let Milly sniff and watch the process. By making subtle changes, I was able to reduce the stress of moving on Milly.

Milly is on a strict schedule - she eats at a certain time, she goes out at a specific time, and she is walked at a set time. Throughout this schedule, I always mix in some car rides and trips to the park, as well as daily training that I incorporate into our everyday routine. I really believe in keeping animals on schedules and putting consistency into their lives, and throughout the moving process I made sure to keep Milly on her schedule. About 5 days before the big move I packed Milly's box of stuff, but left out her favorite toys, her leash, her dishes and place mats, and a few other accessories we use on a daily basis. Milly had a blast helping me pack her toys (she has entirely too many), because she got to rediscover some she didn't even know she had! Even though I had packed most of her belongings, I made sure throughout the moving process that I always stuck to her routine - even on the day of the move!

I would hate to ever lose Milly, she is microchipped, but I knew with the move people would be coming in and out of the house, and I didn't want to risk anything so I kept her ID tags on her at all times. She actually wears three ID tags - one with my parents address and phone number, one with my old address and cell phone number, and one with the new address and cell number. Up-to-date ID tags are critical when moving.

On the day of the move, I had a friend bring over her dog to play with Milly. We kept Evan (friend's dog) and Milly in my sunroom with the door propped open to the back yard, plenty of Kongs, toys, beds and water. I put a sign on the door in English and Spanish so movers, roommates, and friends would know not to open the door to the sunroom. This way, there was no risk of Milly slipping out while people were moving boxes and furniture.

I like to always be prepared, so I mapped out pet-friendly hotels near my new house in case for whatever reason, I could not move in on the scheduled move-in date. I also packed Milly's food and supplements in ziplock bags for about 4 days of meals - this way, they would be easy to get to with unpacking. To be on the safe side, I put Milly's medical records in my glove box. This was a great way to do it, and I'll make sure to use the same system in the future, especially if moving long distances.

I decided to keep Milly and Evan in the sunroom at the old house until everything was moved in to the new house. This way, I just had to fill a duffle bag with their supplies and go over to the new house. Naturally, I wanted to show Milly her new house and let her explore, but I fought this instinct to keep her safe. I found not having her there while the movers unloaded boxes and furniture really kept her safest. It wasn't until everyone stopped going in and out of the new house that Milly got to come over, and then I kept her in a room with the door closed and some toys while we unpacked. If she had gotten anxious in the room alone, I would have had someone sit with her and keep her company.

When I unpacked, I set everything up for Milly to maintain consistency. At the old house, she had her bed on the floor of my bedroom, and this is the same at the new house. She kept her toys in the living room at the old house, and this remains in the new house. Meals are served in the kitchen at the new house, just like they were at the old house. I even put her crate in the same place. This seemed to make the adjustment much easier for Milly.

Unpacking can be a long process, I'm still in that process, but I didn't let Milly explore the new house until everything was safely dog proofed. Half empty boxes can contain items that are dangerous to dogs (like cleaning supplies or baking chocolate), and might lead a dog to display destructive behavior. I also walked the perimeter of our new yard to ensure there were no holes in the new fence.

On our first morning in the new house, we were already back to the same routine. Having the ziplocked baggies of meals for the first few days really helped. I made sure we had the same yard play time schedule, and the same walking schedule. Milly seems to really enjoy walks through our new neighborhood, and I'm hoping to meet some of my new neighbors on our walks!

Moving is a huge change for everyone involved, dogs included! Until we are fully adjusted, Milly will remain on a leash, or supervised in our fenced in yard. Dogs have been known to try and find their way back to their old house after moving, because they don't understand what is going on.

I hope my moving experience teaches you something. It went much smoother than moves in the past, and Milly is loving the new house. We are now on 1/2 acre, and our back yard is ginormous! We have a beauitiful solarium attached to the kitchen, and this is Milly's favorite room - it overlooks the backyard, and she just sits there for hours watching the bunnies, squirrels, birds, and chipmunks out the large solarium windows.

How Much Do You Trust Your Dog???

I had a very interesting conversation with my boyfriend last night, and it got me thinking... do you trust your dog? If so, just how much?

I trust Milly completely, but I do know that she has claws and teeth, and while I don't think she would ever be destructive in the house, or bite a person, I know that she is completely capable of these things. I usually plan my life around this knowledge, and don't take chances, even though I trust her.

As many of you already know, I firmly believe in crate training. Not only is this, in my opinion, the optimum way to housebreak a dog, but it also provides a safe haven for your pup. Dogs sleep in dens, they like to have their own space, and feel secure in their crate if you crate train them. A crate trained dog makes life much easier should you ever go out-of-town and have a pet sitter. If your dog is crate trained, and ever is injured and activity levels need to be limited time in the crate is ideal. 

I also believe that at least as puppies it can be very helpful to keep the crate not in your bedroom. There are two reasons for this - first, you'll get more sleep... just set your alarm for some middle of the night potty breaks for a very young puppy, and secondly, keeping the crate not in your bedroom makes your puppy less dependent on you, and can help separation anxiety problems from developing. 

When I got Milly she was petrified of her crate, but she has come along way, and now happily walks in when asked. I doubt she'll ever walk in it on her own (like a dog crate trained from puppyhood would), but she does not mind her time in the crate. When I am not home, Milly either is outside with access to the sun room, in her crate, or in my bedroom with the door shut, TV on, and the door leading into my bathroom closed as well. One thing I never do is leave her with free range of the house. She'd probably be fine, and not do anything naughty... okay, I know her, she'd probably jump on the sofa while I was out, and she isn't allowed on furniture. She might even get into the trash if something tasty was in it, and she's been known to do a little bit of counter surfing, especially if there is a loaf of bread on the counter. I don't want to be mad at her, and I don't want to set myself up for disappointment, so I just avoid the instances that could be potential problems. I find she is happier, and feels much more secure when left in my bedroom with all of the doors closed than she would if I left her alone with free range of the house.

When it comes to behavior in other situations, and my trust of Milly, I work very hard to have a positive relationship with her, and a lot of this comes from her feeling secure. When we go to the dog part I work on her recall (this needs a lot of work, especially when at the dog park) from the very beginning. I don't just let her play and then start calling her when I want to leave, because this is counter productive. Why would she want to listen to me calling her if I've ignored her for 45 minutes as she played? She should respond whenever I call, and she should feel secure that I am there for her. So I'll take the time and call her over every few minutes. While I want her to have fun at the dog park, I also want her to feel secure. If there was ever a fight at the dog park, or something I didn't want her near, I want her recall to be strong enough that she comes when called with distractions, and knows "leave it" if she shows interest in something I don't want her to have, or something that could be dangerous for her. I've noticed a lot of dog park conflicts come from dogs whose masters are not working on their dog's recalls, and instead are talking on their phones, reading the paper, or simply not paying attention to where their dog is, their dog's body language, and the relationship to other dogs around their dog. 

I recently dog sat two toy breed dogs. The dogs had a lot of fear of new people, new dogs, new houses, and were filled with anxiety. Both were rescues, adopted together, and still had a long way to go before they felt secure. I wanted their time with me to be as positive as possible, and really worked on emphasizing their security. To meet Milly they were in their crate, and Milly was leashed on the other side of the room. Eventually Milly walked around the room, but the little dogs still were in their crate. I took them out, and they were introduced (obviously, all dogs on leashes), and things went okay, not great, but okay. When it came to them being outside I kept them in a large pen for the first three days, and let them get used to seeing Milly, and smelling her from the security of their play pen. By the time I removed the play pen the toy dogs were totally confident, and realized the play pen was their safe place, just like their crate is their safe place when inside. They were free to come and go as they pleased from the playpen, but they really seemed to enjoy having this security.

When it comes to feeding, I firmly believe in giving your dogs meals, and not free-feeding. This is my personal opinion, but I want my dog to eat on a schedule, and I'd like to know exactly how much my dog is consuming. I want her to eat when I feed her, and I practice the 15 minute rule: the bowl of food goes down at meal time for 15 minutes, if she doesn't eat it in 15 minutes the bowl is removed until the next feeding. Eventually, and usually pretty quickly, your dog will start to eat at meal times, and appreciate the structure of a schedule. If Milly needs medication in her food I want her to eat it at meal time. I really appreciate the structure of meal times, if I have to go somewhere, I know exactly how much time it will take to feed Milly. If I have to board Milly, I know that she will eat at meal times. Having a structured feeding schedule helps with your dog's overall sense of security.

In short, sometimes it's good to think about how much we trust our pets. I don't want to set my dog up for failure, and I really want her to feel safe and secure. I work hard to always be aware of her surroundings, and put her in situations where she is safe, and the amount of destruction she could cause is left to a minimum. When I introduce her to new people I always tell them the best way to pet her or approach her (especially with small children). I even practice taking her bowl away mid-feeding every few weeks. She's totally fine with this, and always has been, but I want her to know that we work on this. If ever I had to remove her food mid-feeding for a reason, I want her to not get upset or aggressive about this. If a child ever stuck their hand in her food bowl, I want her to not bite a hand.